Where's my cow?

[gement]

So on Monday I worked out (with help) that I'd been chemically depressed for at least a week, probably longer. I've been much, much worse, and I'm dealing with it earlier and more directly than I suspect I ever have before. But it still sucks.

It was a royally huge tip-off that something was wrong last Friday when I skipped tutoring, then sat at my computer in the dark all day loathing myself instead of either tutoring or working on classwork. Then at 5:30 Jason called and said, "We're missing Terry Pratchett!" to which I replied, "Crap! I've got tickets already!" to which he exulted, "Great, it's at 7, we can make it in plenty of time"... and it took almost half an hour of coaching to get me out of the house.

Possible chemical effects there. The appearance was fantastic, by the way, even though it was immediately preceded by eating a cheeseburger from a campus vending machine which was obviously leased by Mr. Dibbler. I've never before been that daunted by finishing a burger. I mean... gristle! Nyeaugh.

Which reminds me, last time he was here, I got a copy of "Where's My Cow?", which I have since, ironically, lost. I'm really wondering if I loaned it to one of y'all. So, where's my cow?

In other news, since I was frozen in despair for a good week or so, I've been running like mad for several days to keep up with suddenly-due assignments, and then last night I was flattened by a migraine, so today marks my first late assignment in grad school ever. And I feel justified instead of ashamed. Go me. I think.

Edit: Oh, right, really go me! Monday, having identified that I was really truly depressed and having a sobbing fit from the pain of the realization, I had Jason phone-escort me out of the house down to my bus stop. I fiddled with using the headset for the first time and made sure I had my backpack and realized as the bus rolled up and I reached for my pass that... my belt pack wasn't on. That's right, receptacle of my keys, money, ID, and bus pass was locked in my house.

And my Vimes programming kicked in. I spent a moment panicking, then turned south and started walking toward campus. I go to class. No matter what. Got there three minutes late. The perfect attendance record is intact, and if that set of circumstances didn't stop me, well, I won't say "nothing will," but anything that does I'll feel justified in not attending.

(Special thanks to lunar__angel for phone-walking with me and to spaced for giving me warm and hospitable refuge until my housemates got home.)

Comments

[capnexposition.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on Vimes-ing over your moment of panic. A perfect attendance record is a powerful tool in college for making one continue attending. In middle and high school, one is a "loser" if one has a perfect attendance record. In college though, it transforms one into some sort of awe-inspiring super-student(in the eyes of ones' peers, anyway. What we see in the mirror is still our own gig...)

Not to add distractions to your already stressed life, but I have resumed playing KoS regularly during the downtime at work, and I found Parsley is still there, as is the Freddie Mercury Posse, of which Poing is still a member. You should log in now and then, and say "hey". I am improving the clan clubhouse significantly. On a similar note, do you still have the Tiny Plastic Sword I gave you? If you do and you're not using it, could I borrow it back? I want to stock the clan larder with delicious mixed drinks.

In any case at all, what is your class schedule like this quarter? We should meet for lunch or tea, and engage in light conversation. Do say yes. ^^

[panther.livejournal.com]

What is Vimes programming?

It sounds like you turned a bit of awfulness into a success. I'm truly impressed. (You know that I am bipolar and only function because of lots and lots of chemical assistance, right?)

[gement.livejournal.com]

In the Discworld series, there's a cop named Vimes. Vimes is a recovering alcoholic, a suspicious bastard, and a stubborn cuss. He's willing to see some subtleties in other people's ethics and human weaknesses, but he's very black and white about his own behavior, because someone's got to watch the watchmen.

In the book "Thud!" he has focused his prodigious willpower on making sure to read to his infant son every evening at 6pm, no matter what is going on in his job as Commander of the City Watch, because "if you don't do it for a good reason, then you won't do it for a bad reason, and then you just won't do it."

Things I have consciously managed to condition myself to do No Matter What:
Take the stairs. Even 12 flights to my Norwescon hotel room.
Go to class.

In thinking about it I've discovered some others that I've been taking for granted, but they certainly were not always part of my programming:
Turn in every assignment on time (until yesterday, and I was ferocious in my attempt).
Take my brain drugs.
Brush my teeth twice a day.
Scoop the litterbox.

Chemical assistance is good for us. It took me five tries to find one that really worked well for me, but oh the difference.

[rosacanina.livejournal.com]

I completely agree about the brain drugs. Ganbatte(hang in there)!

[grum]

Hugs...

[kitcatk8.livejournal.com]

:::hugshugshugs:::

[littlemystories.livejournal.com]

It was an awfully nice chat, although I was not as chilly as you were. Glad it helped.

Total Non-sequitur

[wingedelf.livejournal.com]

Just happened to trip across your OKCupid, and thought you seemed like an interesting enough person to at least read. Personal decorum issues insist that i at least introduce myself, so, um, hello?

Re: Total Non-sequitur

[(Anonymous)]

Ahoy! You'll observe that I'm not posting often, but you're welcome to what's here... I am flattered by your interest. :)

Re: Total Non-sequitur

[wingedelf.livejournal.com]

Flattered by my interest? I should think it might be more a case of metro-Seattle, poly-ish, Gaiman, Pratchett and Kovalic fans at least on the periphery of Darker Gothdom folk recognizing their own. ;-)

One journal you might want to peek at, should the opportunity arise is prncsmoonbeam, who is said to be the inspiration behind Gilly the Perky Goth (and who also shares most of the aforementioned inclinations).