So. Much. Accomplishment.
Feb. 28th, 2011 10:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gementProject Puppet Head proceeds apace.
I have a stopwatch! Which I have not used for sexual purposes, you Torchwood perverts. Mostly. But it's for tracking my productive hours, which have been Many on most days. The goal is 6 productive hours, 5 days a week, including active self-care like walking and cooking actual meals.
I spent 8 hours on Sunday dealing with bills, checking on and consolidating myriad financial accounts, deciding on insurance, and filing my taxes. Gah. So much paper. I racked up mondo Mundanity points. It was nice to discover that it seemed daunting because it was actually daunting, though. I've been discovering a lot of that lately. I still haven't gotten around to any room cleaning, despite full productive days.
I'm keeping a datebook in my pocket, and filling it with a surprising number of appointments and dates, including the WLA conference in April. I'm making physical lists on paper, with an eye toward only writing as much on today's list as I can actually do today. It turns out I have a pretty good instinct for that, as long as I have a separate section for stuff that's nagging at me but I know will just have to wait. (No making solid task commitments more than a day in advance; that way lies guilt.)
Last word from my meds doc is that we've tried all three classes of ADD meds with no positive effect, so I'm down to behavioral management and cheap tricks. My stopwatch, for instance, is a toy with a clicky button, providing mindfulness and frequent positive reinforcement! I have a list of first actions I'm allowed to take in the morning. Hot breakfast, a walk, or an errand are on the list; checking LJ or going anywhere near the couch or my bedroom are Not.
I'm trying to avoid more than incidental sugar before 5 pm, and only eating sugar if it's a planned choice with at least a few minutes waiting period. I'm swearing off all operant conditioning Flash games unless, like sugar, it's a planned event and I am willing to accept the probability of losing four hours. Playing findy games with J (thank you, Big Fish Games) scratches the same itch with much more social interaction and time limiting.
It turns out I have been too depressed by work to do much for about a year, or possibly two. I've just had no brains, drifting through the world in a dreamlike state of overload. I wouldn't have gotten to Gally if![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
arjache hadn't booked and tracked everything for me. The shift to calling people in a timely fashion and finding out about money stuff that needs fixing in a timely fashion instead of two months late is remarkable.
Also, the shift to having enough wherewithall to do things like... well, example: I wanted desperately to play Flash games the other evening. I could feel, in my brain, that this would lead to a late night and jonesing for more the next day. On the other hand, I'd already done a lot of work, it was all I wanted to do in the whole world, and I didn't want to get into a pattern of feeling like I never got to have any fun. That way lies throwing it all over in a binge.
So I said, "Okay, brain. I'm going to go sit and stare at the wall for twenty minutes. If I still want Flash games after that, we'll play Flash games." I sat, and I stared, and I was bored, and felt successful about doing it, and then still wanted Flash games but knew even more clearly that it was a bad, bad, bad idea. So I told Jason, and we went and played a findy game together, and after half an hour I realized I was exhausted. So I went to bed early and slept like a rock for 10 hours. I haven't been that aware of my needs in a year.
One of the standard non-prescription ADD management tools is caffeine. While my dad drinks coffee, my mom does not. I clearly remember a lot of conversations in which she talked about hating to be dependent on things and described trying coffee for a week, then skipping a day and getting a headache and deciding Not To Be Addicted To Things.
I've never developed a taste for alcohol. When it comes up in social situations, I'm quick to state clearly (in words or body language) that it's not a moral judgment, just a personal preference that I've never seen a benefit to changing. But I'm lying. It's a moral judgment. It's the voice in my head that says it's poison, that I have an addictive personality, that I can't be trusted with mind altering substances. I'm pretty sure that the voice is incorrect; while I'm a sucker for operant conditioning, I don't feel the need to dull the world that seems to be a major factor in forming a serious chemical dependency. The voice doesn't believe me, though, and I stick with my virgin drinks.
I hate coffee, but have learned to love black tea thanks to J's persistent influence. I've avoided developing a daily habit due to the aforementioned programming, despite loving the flavor. I'll drink it when I'm cold or really want to share social bonding with J. I'll turn it down or pick decaf most of the time because I can hear my mom in my head.
I am now in a position where if I want to productive off of my couch, it's going to involve cafes. It's going to involve purchasing a drink that lasts. In short, it will involve tea. My doc strongly recommends I involve more caffeine in my life. And I can still hear my mom in my head.
It is not quite as bad as the full travail I went through a dozen years ago when I had to accept the need for psych meds. I at least have scripts developed to counter the kneejerk New Age mind over matter stuff. Bipolar has physical mechanisms, which usually can't be managed by exercise and clean living alone. The same is true of ADD. This is a surprising battle to still have to fight every morning, though.
[Poll #1711458]
I have a stopwatch! Which I have not used for sexual purposes, you Torchwood perverts. Mostly. But it's for tracking my productive hours, which have been Many on most days. The goal is 6 productive hours, 5 days a week, including active self-care like walking and cooking actual meals.
I spent 8 hours on Sunday dealing with bills, checking on and consolidating myriad financial accounts, deciding on insurance, and filing my taxes. Gah. So much paper. I racked up mondo Mundanity points. It was nice to discover that it seemed daunting because it was actually daunting, though. I've been discovering a lot of that lately. I still haven't gotten around to any room cleaning, despite full productive days.
I'm keeping a datebook in my pocket, and filling it with a surprising number of appointments and dates, including the WLA conference in April. I'm making physical lists on paper, with an eye toward only writing as much on today's list as I can actually do today. It turns out I have a pretty good instinct for that, as long as I have a separate section for stuff that's nagging at me but I know will just have to wait. (No making solid task commitments more than a day in advance; that way lies guilt.)
Last word from my meds doc is that we've tried all three classes of ADD meds with no positive effect, so I'm down to behavioral management and cheap tricks. My stopwatch, for instance, is a toy with a clicky button, providing mindfulness and frequent positive reinforcement! I have a list of first actions I'm allowed to take in the morning. Hot breakfast, a walk, or an errand are on the list; checking LJ or going anywhere near the couch or my bedroom are Not.
I'm trying to avoid more than incidental sugar before 5 pm, and only eating sugar if it's a planned choice with at least a few minutes waiting period. I'm swearing off all operant conditioning Flash games unless, like sugar, it's a planned event and I am willing to accept the probability of losing four hours. Playing findy games with J (thank you, Big Fish Games) scratches the same itch with much more social interaction and time limiting.
It turns out I have been too depressed by work to do much for about a year, or possibly two. I've just had no brains, drifting through the world in a dreamlike state of overload. I wouldn't have gotten to Gally if
arjache hadn't booked and tracked everything for me. The shift to calling people in a timely fashion and finding out about money stuff that needs fixing in a timely fashion instead of two months late is remarkable.Also, the shift to having enough wherewithall to do things like... well, example: I wanted desperately to play Flash games the other evening. I could feel, in my brain, that this would lead to a late night and jonesing for more the next day. On the other hand, I'd already done a lot of work, it was all I wanted to do in the whole world, and I didn't want to get into a pattern of feeling like I never got to have any fun. That way lies throwing it all over in a binge.
So I said, "Okay, brain. I'm going to go sit and stare at the wall for twenty minutes. If I still want Flash games after that, we'll play Flash games." I sat, and I stared, and I was bored, and felt successful about doing it, and then still wanted Flash games but knew even more clearly that it was a bad, bad, bad idea. So I told Jason, and we went and played a findy game together, and after half an hour I realized I was exhausted. So I went to bed early and slept like a rock for 10 hours. I haven't been that aware of my needs in a year.
One of the standard non-prescription ADD management tools is caffeine. While my dad drinks coffee, my mom does not. I clearly remember a lot of conversations in which she talked about hating to be dependent on things and described trying coffee for a week, then skipping a day and getting a headache and deciding Not To Be Addicted To Things.
I've never developed a taste for alcohol. When it comes up in social situations, I'm quick to state clearly (in words or body language) that it's not a moral judgment, just a personal preference that I've never seen a benefit to changing. But I'm lying. It's a moral judgment. It's the voice in my head that says it's poison, that I have an addictive personality, that I can't be trusted with mind altering substances. I'm pretty sure that the voice is incorrect; while I'm a sucker for operant conditioning, I don't feel the need to dull the world that seems to be a major factor in forming a serious chemical dependency. The voice doesn't believe me, though, and I stick with my virgin drinks.
I hate coffee, but have learned to love black tea thanks to J's persistent influence. I've avoided developing a daily habit due to the aforementioned programming, despite loving the flavor. I'll drink it when I'm cold or really want to share social bonding with J. I'll turn it down or pick decaf most of the time because I can hear my mom in my head.
I am now in a position where if I want to productive off of my couch, it's going to involve cafes. It's going to involve purchasing a drink that lasts. In short, it will involve tea. My doc strongly recommends I involve more caffeine in my life. And I can still hear my mom in my head.
It is not quite as bad as the full travail I went through a dozen years ago when I had to accept the need for psych meds. I at least have scripts developed to counter the kneejerk New Age mind over matter stuff. Bipolar has physical mechanisms, which usually can't be managed by exercise and clean living alone. The same is true of ADD. This is a surprising battle to still have to fight every morning, though.
[Poll #1711458]
