House of Forgotten Thoughts

(No, I haven't been doing Shiva Nata lately. But really hunkering down into yoga has some similar effects.)

1. Any time I'm supposed to bring my arms up, the point is a tall spine and a sense of space in the shoulders. Until I can get the muscles in my neck to stop firing, either holding my arms straight out (rising until I hit the neck muscles) or dropping my arms behind me in a bind is a much better personal option.

2. I hate blocks (the foam ones to help with yoga poses) because they encourage me to put weight on my arm. In all the poses one can use a hand on a block, the instructor ends up saying "take your weight off your arm." I'm much better off just never touching the ground in Triangle unless I can do so with my arm hanging free. It's just more core strength practice, which I need.

3. I have learned to feel more proud of reaching less far. Specifically, if I realize I'm not reaching as far as usual, it's always because I'm protecting my spine and height better, so I am learning to kick ass at form. I am now going, "I only managed to reach four inches today! WOW, that's great!"

4 and most important: By being the person only reaching four inches, and looking really happy about it, I am giving someone else permission to not reach very far, and modeling good form. I remember being new and anxious in other classes and thinking "oh thank god someone else can't reach." I also remember thinking "oh poor them, they must be so embarrassed," but I never remember thinking that about anyone clearly in perfect form with a blissed-out grin on their face. By being true to my limits, I am improving the mental hygiene of the entire class.

I'm incredibly grateful that, in the first class I attended this month, three of the five other yogis had a folded rug on the mat through all of class for knee support. I tried it because I saw them do it first; it's the single most key modification for me, in terms of thinking about form instead of thinking "ow ow ow my bony knees on the ground.'' I do it every class, and I hope someone else picks it up from me. Learning to do modifications without apology, thinking of it as double-success instead of failure, has been huge for me.

Project Puppet Head proceeds apace.

I have a stopwatch! Which I have not used for sexual purposes, you Torchwood perverts. Mostly. But it's for tracking my productive hours, which have been Many on most days. The goal is 6 productive hours, 5 days a week, including active self-care like walking and cooking actual meals.

( Matters of Consequence, ADD management )

It turns out I have been too depressed by work to do much for about a year, or possibly two. I've just had no brains, drifting through the world in a dreamlike state of overload. I wouldn't have gotten to Gally if arjache hadn't booked and tracked everything for me. The shift to calling people in a timely fashion and finding out about money stuff that needs fixing in a timely fashion instead of two months late is remarkable.

Also, the shift to having enough wherewithall to do things like... well, example: I wanted desperately to play Flash games the other evening. I could feel, in my brain, that this would lead to a late night and jonesing for more the next day. On the other hand, I'd already done a lot of work, it was all I wanted to do in the whole world, and I didn't want to get into a pattern of feeling like I never got to have any fun. That way lies throwing it all over in a binge.

So I said, "Okay, brain. I'm going to go sit and stare at the wall for twenty minutes. If I still want Flash games after that, we'll play Flash games." I sat, and I stared, and I was bored, and felt successful about doing it, and then still wanted Flash games but knew even more clearly that it was a bad, bad, bad idea. So I told Jason, and we went and played a findy game together, and after half an hour I realized I was exhausted. So I went to bed early and slept like a rock for 10 hours. I haven't been that aware of my needs in a year.

( My baggage about caffeine. Blah blah New Age blah chemical dependency as moral weakness blah blah. )

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