So. Much. Accomplishment.

[gement]

Project Puppet Head proceeds apace.

I have a stopwatch! Which I have not used for sexual purposes, you Torchwood perverts. Mostly. But it's for tracking my productive hours, which have been Many on most days. The goal is 6 productive hours, 5 days a week, including active self-care like walking and cooking actual meals.

I spent 8 hours on Sunday dealing with bills, checking on and consolidating myriad financial accounts, deciding on insurance, and filing my taxes. Gah. So much paper. I racked up mondo Mundanity points. It was nice to discover that it seemed daunting because it was actually daunting, though. I've been discovering a lot of that lately. I still haven't gotten around to any room cleaning, despite full productive days.

I'm keeping a datebook in my pocket, and filling it with a surprising number of appointments and dates, including the WLA conference in April. I'm making physical lists on paper, with an eye toward only writing as much on today's list as I can actually do today. It turns out I have a pretty good instinct for that, as long as I have a separate section for stuff that's nagging at me but I know will just have to wait. (No making solid task commitments more than a day in advance; that way lies guilt.)

Last word from my meds doc is that we've tried all three classes of ADD meds with no positive effect, so I'm down to behavioral management and cheap tricks. My stopwatch, for instance, is a toy with a clicky button, providing mindfulness and frequent positive reinforcement! I have a list of first actions I'm allowed to take in the morning. Hot breakfast, a walk, or an errand are on the list; checking LJ or going anywhere near the couch or my bedroom are Not.

I'm trying to avoid more than incidental sugar before 5 pm, and only eating sugar if it's a planned choice with at least a few minutes waiting period. I'm swearing off all operant conditioning Flash games unless, like sugar, it's a planned event and I am willing to accept the probability of losing four hours. Playing findy games with J (thank you, Big Fish Games) scratches the same itch with much more social interaction and time limiting.

It turns out I have been too depressed by work to do much for about a year, or possibly two. I've just had no brains, drifting through the world in a dreamlike state of overload. I wouldn't have gotten to Gally if arjache hadn't booked and tracked everything for me. The shift to calling people in a timely fashion and finding out about money stuff that needs fixing in a timely fashion instead of two months late is remarkable.

Also, the shift to having enough wherewithall to do things like... well, example: I wanted desperately to play Flash games the other evening. I could feel, in my brain, that this would lead to a late night and jonesing for more the next day. On the other hand, I'd already done a lot of work, it was all I wanted to do in the whole world, and I didn't want to get into a pattern of feeling like I never got to have any fun. That way lies throwing it all over in a binge.

So I said, "Okay, brain. I'm going to go sit and stare at the wall for twenty minutes. If I still want Flash games after that, we'll play Flash games." I sat, and I stared, and I was bored, and felt successful about doing it, and then still wanted Flash games but knew even more clearly that it was a bad, bad, bad idea. So I told Jason, and we went and played a findy game together, and after half an hour I realized I was exhausted. So I went to bed early and slept like a rock for 10 hours. I haven't been that aware of my needs in a year.

One of the standard non-prescription ADD management tools is caffeine. While my dad drinks coffee, my mom does not. I clearly remember a lot of conversations in which she talked about hating to be dependent on things and described trying coffee for a week, then skipping a day and getting a headache and deciding Not To Be Addicted To Things.

I've never developed a taste for alcohol. When it comes up in social situations, I'm quick to state clearly (in words or body language) that it's not a moral judgment, just a personal preference that I've never seen a benefit to changing. But I'm lying. It's a moral judgment. It's the voice in my head that says it's poison, that I have an addictive personality, that I can't be trusted with mind altering substances. I'm pretty sure that the voice is incorrect; while I'm a sucker for operant conditioning, I don't feel the need to dull the world that seems to be a major factor in forming a serious chemical dependency. The voice doesn't believe me, though, and I stick with my virgin drinks.

I hate coffee, but have learned to love black tea thanks to J's persistent influence. I've avoided developing a daily habit due to the aforementioned programming, despite loving the flavor. I'll drink it when I'm cold or really want to share social bonding with J. I'll turn it down or pick decaf most of the time because I can hear my mom in my head.

I am now in a position where if I want to productive off of my couch, it's going to involve cafes. It's going to involve purchasing a drink that lasts. In short, it will involve tea. My doc strongly recommends I involve more caffeine in my life. And I can still hear my mom in my head.

It is not quite as bad as the full travail I went through a dozen years ago when I had to accept the need for psych meds. I at least have scripts developed to counter the kneejerk New Age mind over matter stuff. Bipolar has physical mechanisms, which usually can't be managed by exercise and clean living alone. The same is true of ADD. This is a surprising battle to still have to fight every morning, though.

[Poll #1711458]

Comments

[littlemystories.livejournal.com]

I drink an obscene amount of caffeinated Diet Coke, all day every day, paired with the caffeine-free version after about 8 PM. I like coffee, but it upsets my stomach (and that's the coffee, not the caffeine). Periodically I decide to cut the DC entirely, partly because caffeine is in fact a drug, but mostly because all the other ingredients are so so bad for my long-term health. But I don't think there's anything morally wrong with using caffeine. I do appreciate when people recognize it as the drug it is, and acknowledge that they are choosing to use it.

It's funny the things that get us - I had the same Mom-built reaction to psych drugs, but not to caffeine, possibly because one of my teenage rebellions was to drink coffee and hang out in cafes. (As she said the other day, "running around barefoot downtown at night".)

[pomma-penses.livejournal.com]

I find the ADD stuff fascinating. I am unlikely to get ADD meds here (adult ADD largely unrecognised) and wonder if there are web resources for the things you are trying? Otherwise, please write more!

[annissamazing]

I have to explain myself because my answers are hypocritical.

I avoid caffeine for religious reasons, but I drink an obscene amount of black tea. At this moment, I have three different varieties of black tea sitting on my desk.

I hate drinking. Period. I don't like to drink anything. I don't know why and most of the time I don't even think about it. In restaurants I might sip on a glass of water, but I rarely finish the glass. At home, I might not even get a glass of water to go with dinner.

In the winters, my skin gets painfully dry. The backs of my hands turn to sandpaper and they crack and bleed. I live in a state of chronic dehydration. I expect to have severe health issues in the future because of it.

I don't like tea. I don't particularly like the taste and it's even worse with added sugar or milk. However, I feel compelled to drink it and I can down five cups of it in three hours without even thinking about it. It doesn't need to be caffeinated (and it frequently isn't), but I need variety which means I need to include caffeinated teas in the rotation.

Since I started drinking tea, I've become properly hydrated. My skin is soft and smooth and I pee regularly (which is a little TMI, I know, but an important point for this topic).

I don't care for green or white teas and typically stick to black teas and tisanes. I absolutely adore Harney & Sons Peppermint, Paris, and Earl Grey teas. Though I'm drinking their brand exclusively right now, I'm not actually all that picky.

I also drink a lot of Diet Coke, but I go for the caffeine-free variety. Thanks to the tea, the soda has become a once-a-day (if that) treat whereas before it was the only liquid I was drinking.

[gement.livejournal.com]

I'm curious, do you take the "caffeine" or "hot drinks" line on the religious consideration? I've known people on both sides of that one. If you need more decaf varieties, Seattle has some phenomenal tea purveyors and I could send you some.

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

It turns out I have been too depressed by work to do much for about a year, or possibly two.

This describes the last part of 2010 very well for me. But I only lost a couple of months; you've apparently had a much worse time of it. Good luck! More later, maybe...

[annissamazing]

I take the caffeine line.

I asked my mom about it once when I was very young and she said that if the drink was too hot to hold in our mouth, we'd swallow it and injure our throats. But I can avoid that by making sure the liquid is cool enough not to burn my mouth.

When I got a little older, I asked my bishop why we eschew caffeine, but drink hot cocoa. The answer was convoluted and confusing so I interpreted it along the "drugs are bad, mmmkay?" line. Caffeine being the drug in question.

I have some Mormon guilt over my caffeine consumption, but then I remember some of the other things I do that would upset the bishopric quite a bit more than what I choose to drink.

I'm totally interested in Seattle teas, especially tisanes.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I don't like hot tea at all. I do enjoy a good glass of iced tea, since I grew up in Texas and iced tea is a religion here. So drinking hot tea feels like drinking hot soda or something. I'm very partial to Lipton bagged tea, because that's what I grew up drinking.

Coffee though, I like that hot and cold. Coffee is pretty much always delicious.

[randomdreams.livejournal.com]

Personally, I'm not very impressed by the moral and ethical issues with being addicted to something. I'm addicted to air. I don't feel like that's a stain on my escutcheon. I know people who are addicted to antidepressants, insofar as they seem to try to kill themselves when they stop taking them. Again, don't see taking meds as a problem. Caffeine's just another drug, and a lot less harmful than most. If it helps more than it hurts, why not? I say.

[morinon.livejournal.com]

I only ever get headaches from caffeine withdrawal if I've been drinking it regularly for at least 3 months.

However, I have found it has no appreciable difference of effect on me if I do the tolerance reset. What it tends to give me is more energy over a long period. Since my native power level (IE: energy over time) is more defined by mood than by caffeination... Caffeine on the whole is a good thing for me.

[nbarnes.livejournal.com]

I have severe ADD, and I pretty much live and breathe mochas. On the one hand, I get splitting withdrawal headaches if I go for more than about 20 hours without. On the other hand, I, you know, can do things and think two thoughts in a row. So that's a win.

[tcepsa.livejournal.com]

Generally coffee and I do not get along. I don't particularly like the flavor, and it tends to make me queasy if I consume it. The one exception to this is cafe sua da (or something like that), a Vietnamese concoction involving gravity-brewed coffee that is dripped into an approximately-equal volume of sweetened condensed milk, which is then optionally stirred and poured over ice. You might think that I could approximate this with enough cream and sugar, but so far that has proven to not be the case...

I have an unusual relationship with caffeine in that it does not have noticeable effects when I consume it. I don't get a noticeable buzz, I don't generally have trouble sleeping if I have it after X PM, and I have not noticed headaches from withdrawal. Then again, I'm not sure I ever consumed it regularly enough to warrant withdrawal headaches. Maybe it helps me concentrate, but I haven't studied this closely enough to make a concrete determination. Sugar, on the other hand, seems to have abundant potential to make me scatterbrained and give me headaches (that's not really a sure thing either, but there does seem to be a stronger correlation).

[grum]

Cream + sugar = / = sweetened condensed milk.

I'm not sure why not, but it doesn't.

[littlemystories.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, meant to add:

I'm ill at ease with the concept of addiction being applied to all kinds of habits and behaviors. I'm not sure it's accurate to label yourself as having an "addictive personality" - I'd say it's more like being prone to obsessive or compulsive thoughts and behavior, which is different than physical addiction. Dr Dick did a nice piece on this, focused on sex addiction. (Site is NSFW.)

Unrelated, I drink chai with Indian food, and that's when I can REALLY feel the effect of caffeine. If I go without DC for a while and have one, I notice a perky attentiveness. After a few cups of chai (and with constant refill, how many cups am I having, anyway?) I get noticeably jittery and unhappy.

[littlemystories.livejournal.com]

Which is to say: yes, caffeine and alcohol are substances to which you might become addicted. Unless you have a history of other physical addictions, I don't think you can assume you will become addicted to these drugs (automatically or because of your perceived traits).

[gement.livejournal.com]

Ayup yup. That's my rational analysis as well. Stupid monkey hindbrain.

Monkey.

Re: p.s. Take me to the David Byrne ;-)

[gement.livejournal.com]

I knew I could count on you for a comprehensive analysis!

I used to react to all teas like you react to herbals, which is why the Hitchhiker's callout to boiled leaves is on the list of reactions.

[littlemystories.livejournal.com]

Monkey!!

[gement.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'm on a bipolar med that I'm really really not supposed to stop cold. Rationally, I don't see how this is any different, and I already use caffeine (usually in Excedrin form) against migraines.

[gement.livejournal.com]

I rationally agree with you completely, hence trying to get the clue through to my monkey brain by showing it that other respected and successful members of my tribe do just fine with this.

[gement.livejournal.com]

I long since stopped being dumbfounded at people responding non-normatively to chemical additives, or to anything else really. The human species has a remarkable range of mutations, which I find comforting when thinking about possible extinction events.

Also, thanks.

[gement.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that, and glad to hear we're both getting back on the horse.

[nbarnes.livejournal.com]

Apparently you're not supposed to stop Prozac or Welbutrin cold, either. Apparently you can end up with permanent changes to your neurochemistry doing that.

Caffeine addiction doesn't really worry me, but the phrase 'permanent changes to your neurochemistry' does give me pause.

[gement.livejournal.com]

Re the smell of coffee, totally. I want coffee to taste like it smells!

I despise the stuff but will, when pressed by a headache or an all-nighter, drink a double shot mocha heavy on the mocha. As a light flavoring to a chocolate drink, coffee is great.

[gement.livejournal.com]

Heyyy, maybe that's what happened with me and Prozac! Come to think of it, Wellbutrin's what snapped me out of it 4 months later.

[gement.livejournal.com]

I'll try to remember to post as I get more formal resources, but here are the basics of what I understand, confirmed by my doc who wrote a recent book on ADD:

Caffeine is an effective drug for a large proportion of people with ADD. As with Ritalin, sometimes that goes along with the negative jittery side effects, but as with Ritalin, you try it and see if it works for you. It's working if it helps you with focus, calm, and impulse control. It's not working if you start bouncing off the walls. It's rarer for people with ADD to have insomnia from caffeine use, and it helps some of them sleep.

Sugar is a known exacerbator for ADD. It's worth experimenting to see if cutting out sugar from morning to the end of your productive day improves your focus. If you're better at experimental eating than I am, cutting it out entirely has dramatic impact for some people.

The rest is mostly introspection and knowing your own behaviors and being compassionate about them. I need work patterns that use my "ooh, shiny" impulse instead of fighting it, and recognize that I get anxious about missing obligations but don't always have the impulse control to stick with strict routines.

Right now for me that means making a daily list, on a piece of paper, that I start working on at the time of morning when I start fretting thinking about all the stuff I need to do. I try not to overfill the list. I don't have a special format for the list except that there are ticky boxes to check off my success, because I like ticky boxes.

I have a list of options for things to do first thing in the morning, and some known trouble spots that aren't options. (Do you want to wear the green shirt or the purple shirt? Going naked wasn't on the list. Green or purple?) I have a goal of being productive a certain number of hours, and a toy with a clicky button to tell me if I've done that. That's all the rules.

When I make systems with more rules, or try to list all the things I want to do IN MY LIFETIME, or try to commit to doing exactly the same list of things every day (even if there are only three mandatory items), my ability to see all the options in the world goes haywire, I get overwhelmed, and I just... stop. And go hide.

So that's what I'm doing so far. I'll try to keep you posted.

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

FWIW, in the last year I've gone from a cup of tea a day, to several cups of coffee a day. I now get headaches if I don't have caffeine within about 4 hours of waking up. I don't like this - philosophically I don't want that sort of thing tying me down - but good coffee just tastes so *good* now.

And yeah, I forget whether I mentioned it, but I have mild ADD myself. :)

[gement.livejournal.com]

I remembered two other things he mentioned, which were grazing throughout the day, 5 or 6 small meals instead of 3 big ones, and exercise.

Y'know, all the stuff that we're told to do anyway.

[diabhol.livejournal.com]

I love the taste of Coke and always have. I've never really cared about the caffeine, though, until I started working my fucked-up schedule and now I occasionally need caffeine to get through days when I don't get enough sleep. Also, I prefer HFC to sugar and think everyone who wants "Mexican" or "kosher" Coke can blow me. (I'll give 'em somethin' sweet! ;)

I love chai.

I like black tea, preferably with sugar and milk. I'll order it like Picard if I can.

Green tea is good, though green tea flavored stuff (like ice cream) is slightly better.

Not yet sold on white tea, but I'm willing to try more.

I will not consume coffee orally or nasally. Would consider consuming it anally.

[plantae.livejournal.com]

I take great comfort in the fact that chocolate does not actually contain caffeine, but theobromine, a very similar but not identical compound which does not seem to be addictive. :)

You're aware of my religious restriction regarding coffee and alcohol and tobacco; you may not be familiar with the introduction which describes it as "adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints." (D&C 89:3, if you want to look it up online).

I have spent some time thinking about this, prior to your post. What I interpret this to mean is basically: the things proscribed by this teaching are not completely bad, but they are all subject to misuse through weakness or lack of wisdom; e.g. while an occasional (perhaps even regular) glass of wine won't hurt you, nightly binge drinking undoubtedly will.

However, just because something can be harmful in some situations does not mean it must be totally avoided at all costs by everyone. For example, a year ago when my back went out, I was in quite a bit of pain. I was given a small prescription for vicodin. As an opiate, vicodin is very addictive when misused (and I'm told is a popular target for theft and resale on the street). But for me, it was incredibly helpful in controlling pain as I recovered. Does that mean a random person should start taking it? No. Does it mean that I should take it now (had I any left)? No. But when it was appropriate to take it, there was no good reason to refrain.

And caffeine, the chemical you seem most concerned about in your post, is similar. It's clear that you can ingest more than is healthy. It's clear you can develop a chemical addiction, complete with withdrawal symptoms. But for some conditions (migraines, perhaps ADD, etc) it can be an incredibly effective medication with few side effects. There is no reason to avoid something that is medically appropriate. Moreover, if you are not over-indulging, I see no reason why you could not consume it casually if you choose to. While I have chosen to accept certain religious restrictions, you have not.

But since you are trying to convince your internal scripts that it is okay to use caffeine, can you rephrase your scripts from to classify caffeine not as an "evil substance" but as a medication? Perhaps even give yourself a dosage; say one tea/day, or one per 6 hours. Track your consumption. Track your symptoms. After two weeks, stop taking it for a week. Continue to track your symptoms. You should now have a pile of data showing it is it medically useful to you, to smother the voice in the back of your head. Of course, if it turns out to not be medically useful, switch to herbal tea and use lots of honey. :)