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Hi!
I'm working. And stressing out about deadlines and learning how to communicate with this boss, a subject on which I will not rant because rehashing it Will Not Help right now.
I'm working on trying to get some balance back into seeing people, maybe eventually facing laundry and bills. I uninstalled several toxic games from my phone, in which I'd been burying myself since October.
I lie. I have moved them to a folder that I've been really good at not touching. The achievement hooks were compelling enough that it's hard not to feel like I'm throwing away "progress" (and in one case, double digits of actual money for in-game items), but I have actually cut myself off of playing successfully for a months, so... so far, so good and maybe in six months the loss of "progress" will stop stinging as much and I can uninstall the things that will never, ever be good for my brain chemistry.
I go through this one or two times a year. I am not allowed to go to Kongregate ever, ever again. It's a known weakness, it maps directly to my anxiety, I deal with it and backslide and move on. I'm moving on.
Anxiety is annoying. At this point it's also tedious. It's not surprising or dramatic, just ugh, this again? I'm working on cognitive strategies again, little ways of taxing my stress endurance. I paid bills today!
Also I took the hit of "wheee, sudden release of tension at work!" to shave my head and paint my nails and get my ear piercings reopened. Trying to take back how I feel about my presentation instead of just constantly muttering to myself about people not being able to see whatever it is that I'm doing no matter what I try.
Caused unintended stress to a (black, female) stranger the other day by taking off my cheerful bobble hat and suddenly becoming a skinhead in a leather jacket in an enclosed elevator. :( Reasons not to keep this headstyle forever. I may dye the stubble dragonfly green to match my nails and change the social coding. Dunno.
This has been thoughts.
I'm working. And stressing out about deadlines and learning how to communicate with this boss, a subject on which I will not rant because rehashing it Will Not Help right now.
I'm working on trying to get some balance back into seeing people, maybe eventually facing laundry and bills. I uninstalled several toxic games from my phone, in which I'd been burying myself since October.
I lie. I have moved them to a folder that I've been really good at not touching. The achievement hooks were compelling enough that it's hard not to feel like I'm throwing away "progress" (and in one case, double digits of actual money for in-game items), but I have actually cut myself off of playing successfully for a months, so... so far, so good and maybe in six months the loss of "progress" will stop stinging as much and I can uninstall the things that will never, ever be good for my brain chemistry.
I go through this one or two times a year. I am not allowed to go to Kongregate ever, ever again. It's a known weakness, it maps directly to my anxiety, I deal with it and backslide and move on. I'm moving on.
Anxiety is annoying. At this point it's also tedious. It's not surprising or dramatic, just ugh, this again? I'm working on cognitive strategies again, little ways of taxing my stress endurance. I paid bills today!
Also I took the hit of "wheee, sudden release of tension at work!" to shave my head and paint my nails and get my ear piercings reopened. Trying to take back how I feel about my presentation instead of just constantly muttering to myself about people not being able to see whatever it is that I'm doing no matter what I try.
Caused unintended stress to a (black, female) stranger the other day by taking off my cheerful bobble hat and suddenly becoming a skinhead in a leather jacket in an enclosed elevator. :( Reasons not to keep this headstyle forever. I may dye the stubble dragonfly green to match my nails and change the social coding. Dunno.
This has been thoughts.
