Sandman progression and question

[gement]

If you're not big on the seven D's, don't bother with this wandering introspection.

So, I spent several years of college (also the years when I memorized Sandman chapter and verse) flirting with Delirium. I was depressed, I felt crazy, I felt like I might fly loose at any moment and become little pieces. Having a concept of what it might be like to be crazier than that was both comforting and company.

I loved that little girl. I was that little girl. I LJ-iconed that little girl.

Sometime in there, I finally hit the wall. Being crazy didn't make it stop hurting anymore, and I reached a point where all I did was hurt. No crazy, just hurt. I couldn't face looking in the mirror.

As I was sobbing over this in my dorm room, I theorized the Sandman Progression... that by giving myself over to the youngest Endless for so long, I'd somehow lined myself up to just march up the line, and the next in line was Despair. I decided this was a really dumb theory and shelved it within twelve hours.

Fast-forward to this last week, when I took stock of my life and found that my long distance relationships are all dying on the vine due to my lack of effort, that I didn't feel like establishing any new hot relationships at the New Year parties, that I'm totally on the wrong wavelength for any sensory wild wonderful overload (sexual or non) right now, no matter how much I miss it. There is someone special, but we're not much with the hot and heavy as of this time.

And then I remembered the Sandman Progression, and thought (as I tend to), "DAMN it, Desire!" I mean, it's wonderful and exhilarating and, yes, terrifying to dally in Desire's court, and I'm sure I had a great time, but I never got the memo until I was sprawled exhausted and ackward on the floor and It was strolling away chuckling. It won't call; It never does.

I first had this thought walking home from work the other day, and my immediate reaction was, "Hmm, what's next? Fuck it, burn it all down." But like with any other set of symbolism, there's interpretation and then there's interpretation. The prodigal is not about burning it all down... at least, not anymore.

But here I am, with no insanity, no self-horror, no driving needs... and I've battened down all the hatches until I feel cocooned. I am in chrysalis. I can walk away from anything I like, and go in any direction that strikes my fancy. Between the occasional pangs of isolation, I feel incredibly free.

Ever since the first Delirium stage, I've known where I want to go. If I could be as level-headed, as energetic, as understanding, as wise as Death, I would be very very happy with that. One of the reasons I shelved the progression as dumb was because marching all the way up the line seemed astoundingly inefficient.

But now there's just one in-between. The one, ominously, is Dream. I'm quite enjoying this slowly growing serious relationship, and I'd rather not see it turn into an explosion of drama where people end up insane or dead or banished to the underworld. Note to self: Skip Dream. He's not too bright, and you don't need to remake those mistakes. (Unless I can go through his new-and-improved phase... I'll think about that one.)

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I have used the same primary LJ icon since I first signed up. Delirium is curled in a doorway, in Seattle London[1], watching the rain, watching the people, thinking about CHANGE.

She is contemplating, which is how I often feel when I stare out at LJ. She is also the icon that represents me to a lot of people by now, sometimes including myself.

I am not the scared crazy little girl anymore. I am not sure if she is an appropriate icon anymore. But every coin has two sides, and I am not sure if she is the wrong icon either.

I invite discussion on the icon topic, particularly if there are images you tend to associate with me. I like to know these things. I would make a poll, but my lunch is over and I can't be bothered.

[1] Why do I mix up these two beautiful rainy muddled polyglot cities? Hmmmm. In this case because I live in Seattle.

Comments

[red-the-squeaky.livejournal.com]

I'm a low-income user so only have space for 3 avatars. Last night I created this one and had to delete one of my previous pics to be able to use it... I deleted the one I was refering to in my original post for the one you see here.