gement | I will always treasure my unrealistic expectations of you

It's been an action-packed few days.

Saturday evening I had dinner with the parents of my friend who died this summer. I had not set foot in the house since June, when I spent the night with my friend less than 24 hours before she died of cancer.

I never felt that she would be just around the corner. She was sick enough at the end that my mind is completely up on the fact that she's really very dead. So at least I didn't have to deal with the bait and switch, which was good, given what I did have to process.

I still had very fresh memories of pacing with her all night, of her hallucinations, her anger, her concentration-camp frame. Dead bodies in the hall closet. Curled up in the corner of her bed catching a ten minute nap before it was time to pace to the bathroom again. Listening to her try to talk through a sinus tumor. Her father's grey face as he leaned against the kitchen counter in the dawn light, thanking me for staying. I reminded him to take care of himself, not just her... He said something about responsibility.

So I had to deal with that Saturday night.

Then Sunday I had the "let's define our relationship a little more clearly" talk with the wonderful girlfriend some of you have heard me babble about for the last, oh, YEAR. The one who belly dances and tangos and does every handicraft under the sun and... doesn't have the emotional energy or the time to deal with my undying devotion right now. Snuggles, yes. Undying devotion, no.

Which is completely fair, and we had a good conversation about it and then watched some Firefly and snuggled, and no one died or caught on fire, except on the TV.

So I had to deal with that Sunday night.

Monday I had lunch with my boss and told her the problems that aren't getting communicated to her in meetings. And she listened respectfully and didn't try to argue or fix it all right then, and she asked me if I had solutions, which I didn't really... except to say that I think we need a reality check from HR because people aren't very willing to hear solutions from her at this point. I know she was listening properly because she looked very tired and very vulnerable at the end of the conversation.

So I had to deal with that Monday.

And none of these were destructive, and none were drama-laden, and they all needed to happen. And now I have even more of my emotional energy freed up, and it's time to start investing it in stuff. Use it or lose it.