Angst

[gement]

So I've started grad school and recovered from the week-long cold, and I'm having some financial aid problems, but this is actually going to be an emotional post for once! First time in like two years, eh.

I skimmed through my sister's journal for the first time in months and found that I'm all jealous of her. Again. It always used to be because she was perceptibly cooler than me (or at least I was perceiving it that way) and I felt clumsy and un-hep in comparison.

See what I get for using the word "hep".

Now she just sounds... happy. Or plugged in. Spiritually in touch, I think that's the phrase I'm looking for. She has the usual life's worth of work and health irritations going on, but she's using the shiny woo-woo vocabulary for them. She thinks about her emotional health. She wants to join a commune. She talks about losing a member of her "heart community," by which she means the people that she considers members of her close spiritual family, and I realize I've never built one of those, or if I did, I don't remember.

She sounds like she's living on mango juice and organic grains and love, all the time, and I know most of the bare facts of her life are on the same scale as mine, but the framing, the context is always more important than the facts. I want to live on mango juice and love, and instead I'm living on sensibleness and lists and trying to be responsible.

Because maybe if I'm careful and responsible and do the things on my lists, I'll do better than when I was an undergraduate fuck-up. That's running away, not toward. When I asked L. about her plugged-in-ness, she thought about it, and said that she didn't have any particular advice, or even any particular goal, except "I'm trying to be me just as hard as I can, all the time." And I'm afraid that my me is boring and mundane and makes lists and worries and does not get mango juice.

Jason suggests that L. sounds like she has something to believe in. When I think about that, all I get is wracking sobs, deep body regret and sadness. I'm crying in the computer lab right now and I hope no one is noticing how my face is dripping. What do I believe in? Nothing. Lists. Being responsible.

When I sit with it a little longer, I find a belief, but an external one. I believe that the best thing I can do with my life is help people grow up more and better, which I can do by offering the right tools, the right information, for where they stand right now. Hence, library school, so that I can do that on a sheerly practical level and get good theory on how to do it in other aspects of my life.

But that's how to help other people. I don't know how to help me. I don't know how to grow myself up more and better, and I don't know how to plug into the big good feeling, and I'm very sad about that.

Comments

[hesperide.livejournal.com]

Can I offer Hugs, zen and live both? The live ones will have to wait until you are in physical proximity, but they're ready for you when you're ready for them.

I can't push the mango juice through a PC, but the hugs are freely offered and abundant, and might give you a wee bit of connectedness to something...

I can only speak for myself here, but a feeling of connectedness (to life? people? spirit?) is the thing I seek, especially when I am feeling depressed or daunted, that creates happy feelings for me. Even when the boundaries of the connections must be carefully defined, or flexible, or modified to fit circumstances, it is the connection to others, the feeling of being a part of something outside myself that is also part of myself, that keeps me moving forward and involved with living. It also helps me feel grounded and stable, instead of being a psychotically depressed, suicidal ruin, a place I have been and prefer not to be.

Will it help to let you know I'm over here, waving, and willing to share what hugs and positivity I can?

[capnexposition.livejournal.com]

Some thoughts to consider, garnered from my own (limited) experience. To reference a certain space-faring preacher, belief is very strongly tied to faith, which is to say, holding something you cannot see, hear, smell, taste or touch to be true. This is, to my mind, the center of belief as a concept.
Being able to plug into that big good feeling, which is, if I am reading you correctly, a belief in something, some binding force bigger than ourselves or even the sum of our parts as pieces of the social machine, stems directly from our ability to turn off that part of our brains that makes lists and worries about the bills and whatnot. Belief is, by its nature, irrational. It is the willing suspension of disbelief, in fact. Hence the leap of faith.
I like to think I know you passing well, not as well as some, but better than...well, some. I think, for you, it would be harder than for most to let go of your lists and let yourself turn to something bigger than what fits in your head. At least, you have always struck me as someone like that. Perhaps I am projecting.
This is not necessarily religion, or god, big G or little g I am talking about either. Your sister seems to be in contact with a more communal energy, the vibe generated by many people on a single wavelength. That sense of being in-step generates, I find, that same euphoria found in a religious experience. It is, I think, the feeling of making contact, real contact, with something outside of one's own shell. It is the feeling that one is not alone, in thought or action.
If that is the case, that is something attainable for you. Perhaps that is the first step towards mango juice for you, to surround yourself with people on the same wavelength as you, so you can all vibrate at the same pitch. This much, I know, is attainable, if not sustainable. But there's always room for improvement.

*takes soapbox and leaves*

[plantae.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I don't know what I can offer you to make you feel better. :( It seems like your sister is living the life she wants, and so she is peaceful, joyful, inside herself. As to what would help you to feel the same way, I don't know. Feeling acomplished because you are setting and reaching goals? Meditation or religion or volunteer work, helping you feel connected to a larger good? Learning to spend time with yourself, in silence, and accept with love who you are?

You are not boring. Even if external things were stripped away, the ways you interact with people, or roles you take on, or habits of dress and behavior, the you that remains is still not boring, and is interesting and worthwile.

And hey, if someone who's known you this long and though so many times you were struggling with stuff can say that, it's probably true. :)

[pomma-penses.livejournal.com]

Goodness gracious girl, I know I don't know you very well, but boring is absolutely the last word I would associate with you.

...and I have no advice but to say we all find our path in our own time, and that I'm consistantly jealous of those who appear to have found theirs

[pomma-penses.livejournal.com]

PS are you going to Neil tonight?

[gement.livejournal.com]

Yes. And framed by all the other lovely and very heartfelt pick-me-up replies to this post, your question makes me smile like a little kid, because I remember that going to cool author signings is something else that I believe in.

[pomma-penses.livejournal.com]

wooo! then perhaps jaci and i will see you there... we are signing numbers 99 and 100, but are not too worried about sitting in the front of the auditorium and will not even be close to 1st in line. ;)

authors and their books and meeting them are a great thing to believe in. *grin*

[vixyish.livejournal.com]

I have to second that goodness gracious!

The way I look at it is, everybody's entitled to the mango juice if they want it. If you want some, have some. Drink it while you're making lists. Who says you can't do both? Fie!

[artdreams1.livejournal.com]

as someone who has seen you walk many hills and valleys, I recall morning pages being an effective way of doing lists, dumping crap and getting through to those bits that feel real to you.

as you start studenting, might I also suggest finding "touchstones" -- images, scents, things, foods that bring you that feeling of comfort and connection and surrounding yourself with them -- monkey in pocket :-)

you've been in survival mode for awhile, loolie went through that too, a year or so ago. cycles everywhere! now you're moving on to a new phase, stepping off the edge. Your coolness is always going to be very different than hers. If you like organic, eat organic. I prefer cream pie. You like interesting tastes and textures, experiences. Tim saves the world globally. Gordo does it one student at a time. You went on to grad school and moved to a new house and went to London. L and I have only done one of those things :-) we all be cool.

I think you're tired and having a rough patch. Plenty of light and rest, maybe a nice cuppa tea. You'll feel blue for awhile, then you'll feel better. You're soooooo loved

friendly stalkerwoman

[artdreams1.livejournal.com]

PS
I happen to know you've had a terror of being ordinary (ie boring) since you were 7 years old. Ain't gonna happen. Never. Ever.

[garillama.livejournal.com]

:D Moobrain...

And I think being a librarian is awesomely cool. . .

[littlemystories.livejournal.com]

Agreed. And I am so glad everyone is saying wonderful nice things to you. Personal trauma is no fun, but it reminds people to tell you the nice things they think all the time. (PS: I don't like mango juice, but if you have time tomorrow, I will bring you a pomegranate to share.)

[annissamazing]

When I'm feeling down the last thing I want are affirmations. But you're not me and I'm going to give them to you anyway. :) *clicks the appropriately named "say you care" button*

It's strange to me to hear you talk this way about L, when I feel the same way when I hear about you. Your life is so exciting compared to mine and I'm often envious of the freedom and connectedness you appear to have. Perception is a funny thing. Especially when you try to apply it to reality. Because perception is, after all, reality. Right?

I really liked L's term "heart community." I instantly knew what she meant by it. I have one and you're a part of it.

[insatia.livejournal.com]

Lately I have had to force myself out of my home to have experiences. I'm not a spiritual person myself. Getting out and watching people helps me feel more connected to the world. During one trip (to the mall of all places) I saw three acts of genuine kindness that left me feeling like there was good in the world.

[morinon.livejournal.com]

Of all the words I'd use to describe you, boring is not on the list.

As far as the attitude... It's basically just a way of looking at the world. It's fairly easy to look at the world as you choose, and still be responsible, I found out much to my surprise. It's a similar trick to getting into character, really.

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Have a mental mango juice.

I'm in a crazy rush for Rosh Hashannah dinner.

I better see you at ivolucien's, young lady.

but Mango Juice is YUCKY.

[sprgtime.livejournal.com]

What fantasy realm were you possibly in when you described yourself as boring?

You are your own person.

[eeyorerin]

I don't know how to grow myself up more and better, and I don't know how to plug into the big good feeling, and I'm very sad about that.

That is sad. For what it's worth, I think that growing up or making connections or forging relationships are things that you can only see in restrospect. It's the little things that add up to something larger. So it sucks in the short term, but I wouldn't give up hope.

I also think that being responsible and making lists and helping people grow and learn are all good things that can connect you to the world. Responsibility for the world and people in it is also about love. The world needs responsible people just as much as it needs mango juice drinkers, and there's no reason that someone can't be both, or take turns.

In the six years that I've known you, I've seen you grow into an absolutely amazing woman, and gain confidence, maturity, and self-assurance. You have changed, and for the better. I don't think the Universe is done with you yet, or that you're done with the Universe, and I look forward to seeing where you go next.

[diabhol.livejournal.com]

It's very difficult to like yourself as much as other people like you, but I think that's the direction you want to go.

Personally, I think you're awesome.


By the by...when did you last have rediculous amounts of fun?

You are loved deeply and truly as you are at this moment

[red-the-squeaky.livejournal.com]

and this moment...



and this moment...



and this moment.....



And every moment.


I can't grow myself up either. For me, that's what the love is for.