Why the world hurts so bad, or Boring is not the worst thing.

[gement]

Sorry, this is long. I'd put it in a cut tag, but I know some people who don't click on cuts but need to read this.

Almost a month ago now (wow, time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future), I explained to my counsellor that even when things seem to be going well, sometimes I'll just slip into massive depression. Fact of life. It's why I'm there. It plagues most of my friends to varying degrees. I do manage with medication, which has helped certain facets considerably, but this piece that's left is definitely mind, not brain.

I don't know how to fight it, or work with it, or placate it, or nurture it, or change it in any way. It's just a feeling of great howling void where my sense of self is supposed to be. (The effects are the usual litany: no motivation to work or take care of myself, sense that I have no real friends or meaningful contribution to the world, etc.)

I subscribe to the opinion that we don't keep emotional reactions around unless they do something for us, or at least used to do something for us. But what the hell does this do for me, or has this ever done for me, that could possibly seem like a payoff? In the short term, it feels horrible, and in the long term, it sends my life to hell.

She asked if, as she's been working with me for a year, she could throw out some phrases and I could see if they resonated. Okay.

"Delicious despair."

Okay, ow. That emotion is only supposed to register on angsting teenagers and people who are way too goth for their own good, right? But it FITS. It feels like a relief to hurt. A relief from what?

My twisted little superego thinks suffering is cooler than being boring. Better than being someone who's content with the status quo, because those are the sheep. The little voices in my hindbrain actually think like this. Better to be verging on suicidal depression than be a sheep. Better to take the red pill and live in hell than take the blue pill and eat prime rib.

Bullshit. This is not an either/or.

I told my mom this. She smiled, and asked if I remembered coming to her in tears when I was about eight years old... She asked what was wrong, and I asked, desperately worried, "Am I normal?"

She assured me that I would never be normal, and I calmed down.

It may bruise my ego to feel mundane, but yo, hindbrain, get a clue, the agony I am putting my life through is not worth it. And the posers are worse than the mundanes by far, so using misery as a fashion statement is not a winning strategy.

Comments

[capnexposition.livejournal.com]

Well, while I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying (posers DO suck), just the same, never shortchange your own feelings. I know, for a fact, that there isn't always a concrete source of misery. Somtimes people just feel bad. It happens to everyone. And some people, when they feel bad, just feel worse than others. So, I guess my point is, accept your periodic misery, see it for what it is, that it's a funk, and roll with it. I recall the legend of Solomon's Ring...he would read the inscription, and become happy when he was sad, and sad when he was happy. The inscription read, "And this too shall pass".

On that note, I have a present for you. It is, unfortunately, here in Seattle. *dramatic sigh* I guess you'll just have to come visit again. ^_~

[gement.livejournal.com]

Present? Present? Present? Present? Present! Wanna present! *poingpoingpoing*

Ahem. I guess I'll have to make sure you're on the next visit schedule, then. :)

[capnexposition.livejournal.com]

And while we're on the subject, your mom is right. You couldn't be boring or *gasp* normal to save your life. You are one of the lucky ones: you're -weird-. ^_^

:::purrs and nuzzles:::

[kitcatk8.livejournal.com]

Hey, you...I just wanted to give you a reminder that ups and downs are normal...Even when the downs are *really* down. They're both essential...I've had to cope with a bit of that myself. :::hugs::: And...I think this little snippet of a conversation I had with my dad might help.

Dad: Kelly, do you know where you are right now?
K: (with tears, a runny nose, and a pathetic looking tissue) No...
Dad: Exactly where you should be.

Love you, Mana.

[morinon.livejournal.com]

You know the best and worst thing about emotions? They're irrational. Little bastards. Most of the times I'm depressed, it seems there's some sort of reason or explanation. However, sometimes that seems like BS, since that reason or explanation has been around for weeks and I'm just now feeling it. I've figured a few things about myself.

1: It's good for me to have something important to me to set some sort of schedule in my life, or it all goes to hell.
2: It's good for this schedule to change from time to time.
3: All work and no game make Cameron something something.

Generally, it's good to figure out what sort of rules screw with your emotions and motivations. It can really help in planning to avoid them.

[cristoforio.livejournal.com]

Love you, hon. Funny, this picture has a meaning in this context completely different from the meaning for which I'd intended it...

Funny...

[gement.livejournal.com]

Every time I see that picture, I think exactly this meaning. I had assumed it was one of your reasons for picking that particular shot.

*warm squishy moment*

[vixyish.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but just about everyone we know thinks suffering is cooler than being boring. Or more specifically, thinks that not-suffering *is* boring. Hey, that's what everything around us tells us. Media, society, lj, music. My god, especially music. There are certain songs that I actually quite like, but they set my teeth absolutely on EDGE because of the implication that since I'm basically a happy creature with a happy past, I'm nowhere near as attractive or interesting as these people.

They don't all know that they think it, but that's what people are fascinated with. That's what gets attention, that's what captivates, that's what sells.

I dunno. It drives me up the goddamn wall. I guess the point of my saying this is, don't feel like it's all you-- everything around you, or at least a whole big slice of everything around you, has been telling you so. You and all the rest of us get a whole lot of reinforcement from the world in that area. It's a far better thing to fight it, of course. Just, y'know. Don't be discouraged. It's a tough fight you've got in front of you.