(no subject)

[gement]

Hey, it turns out this work ethic thing means that I haven't opened LJ in days because I'm trying to stay focused. :) I'm coming on long enough to post instead of long enough to read. I've folded 36 cranes and several stellated octahedrons, by the way. (Thanks, tensory, for introducing me to Sonobe units.)

I keep composing a post in my head about my hopelessly androgynous and effeminate male role models, but I think this one has to come first.

I've been catching the misogynist things I yell at myself.

When I try to play first-person video games and get sea sick or don't have the reflexes or I'm put off by the violence level. When I find emotional tension in fiction hotter than body parts (cue slash criticism of "women want to read about men talking about their feelings"). When the crafts keeping me sane on the bus are origami and knitting. The internal response is consistent, and consistently worded.

"God, you're such a GURL."

It's not even the fact that these things are some of the incremental ways that it's difficult for me to be read as male on my guy days. That's just fueling the fire. I am basically self-conscious about liking gurl things. I'm not the only female or female-bodied geek I know with a pink allergy, but I've become very aware lately of how suspiciously I suspect any desire or interest or action that might be gurly.

I'm trying to be patient with myself, but the voice isn't budging, and I'm starting to want to scream at it for poisoning me so consistently.

Comments

[annissamazing]

I think a lot (most? all?) of people who are sensitive to gender issues have this voice. I know I fought a long time against being perceived as "girly," even though I am cis-gendered. But the fact is, I like a lot of things that are commonly seen as ultra-feminine. Hell, half of my summer clothes are pink. And now I get a kick out people's reactions to my styled hair, fancy makeup, pink clothes, and blue language.

Basically, what tereshkova2001 said.

My cognitive dissonance: I work in an extremely conservative environment where "You're such a girl" is a common insult among the guys. My response: "And what's wrong with that?" Meanwhile I try not to fall in the trap of saying, "Man up," every time one of them complains.

[gement.livejournal.com]

I have you as one of my role models for not apologizing for femininity. You're very strong and interesting and have good boundaries and WOW curly hair and pink.

So thanks, and you're doing your part.

[annissamazing]

:)