(no subject)

[gement]

Hey, it turns out this work ethic thing means that I haven't opened LJ in days because I'm trying to stay focused. :) I'm coming on long enough to post instead of long enough to read. I've folded 36 cranes and several stellated octahedrons, by the way. (Thanks, tensory, for introducing me to Sonobe units.)

I keep composing a post in my head about my hopelessly androgynous and effeminate male role models, but I think this one has to come first.

I've been catching the misogynist things I yell at myself.

When I try to play first-person video games and get sea sick or don't have the reflexes or I'm put off by the violence level. When I find emotional tension in fiction hotter than body parts (cue slash criticism of "women want to read about men talking about their feelings"). When the crafts keeping me sane on the bus are origami and knitting. The internal response is consistent, and consistently worded.

"God, you're such a GURL."

It's not even the fact that these things are some of the incremental ways that it's difficult for me to be read as male on my guy days. That's just fueling the fire. I am basically self-conscious about liking gurl things. I'm not the only female or female-bodied geek I know with a pink allergy, but I've become very aware lately of how suspiciously I suspect any desire or interest or action that might be gurly.

I'm trying to be patient with myself, but the voice isn't budging, and I'm starting to want to scream at it for poisoning me so consistently.

Comments

[gryphonwing.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I do this too - I think that voice isn't quite as strong for me, but I, too, have a pink allergy. Of late it's dying down, but I'm still allergic to it on ME. I can buy pink things for other people who like it... and I just told my mother it's fine to get me girly things, sometimes I like to dress girly...

But it's a balancing act. A lot of the time I feel like my standard gender presentation (soft butch, I guess) privileges masculinity in ways that really drive me crazy. I don't want it to be *bad* to be feminine! Luckily I do have several femme friends who kind of help - I admire them and I sure as hell don't think they're weak or something just because they like to be pretty. That helps me realize that the misogyny is mostly internal at this point - it's about my own discomfort with the gender ideals that were drilled into me and didn't really match who I was. Being feminine was always presented to me as part of being attractive and getting a man and all that - things I really didn't want. I've only started to really be okay with being attractive in the last few years. I used to hate wanting to look good...

I mean, it's still internalized misogyny, and that doesn't thrill me. I still feel cognitive dissonance sometimes if I do very feminine things (talking about feelings! OMG CRYING REALLY CRYING NO).

So - I can sympathize, at least. I'm glad you're talking back to that inner voice, and you know, even if you can't get it to shut up, awareness of it is an awesome step. :)

[gement.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure of our shared context or how I missed you friending me earlier, but I am friending the hell out of you.

[gryphonwing.livejournal.com]

I actually don't remember at all. :) But thank you!

[gryphonwing.livejournal.com]

I mean, usually I introduce myself and stuff. We do have a few shared friends, so I probably fell in internet-love with a comment or something...

I see in your userinfo that you're from Eastern Washington? I'm at WSU at this point. Fun fun.

[gement.livejournal.com]

Raised in Clarkston, moved to Seattle as soon as I came of age. If you're ever on the other side of the mountains, consider saying hi!